Jokes and funny videos

There are 942 replies in this Thread which has previously been viewed 118,101 times. The latest Post () was by UK Man.

    To My Darling Husband,


    Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.


    Fortunately, it was not too bad, and I really did not get hurt, so please don't worry about me!


    I was coming home and, as I turned into the driveway, I accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone.


    The garage door is slightly bent, but the trusty old Ford truck fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your Ferrari. The good news: I missed our bikes!


    I'm so very sorry. But I know how understanding and kindhearted you are, and know that you will forgive me. You know how much I love and care for you, my sweetheart.


    I can't wait for you to be home from your trip.


    Your loving wife





    oh yes. Your girlfriend called. She's pregnant.

    Nota de una empresa de USA a su personal en Argentina


    It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Buenos Aires that offensive language is commonly used by our spanish speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff.

    All personnel will immediatly adhere to the following rules:


    1. Words like carajo, la puta madre o me da en el quinto forro de las pelotas and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.


    2. You will not say la cagó when someone makes a mistake, or lo están cagando a pedos if you see someone being reprimended, or qué cagada when a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb cagar are utterly innapropiate and unacceptable in our environment.


    3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred as hijo de mil puta, forro, sorete, es una mierda or es una bosta.


    4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as falta de huevos nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as cagón de mierda, pelotudo or boludo.


    5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be referred as pajas mentales or pelotudeces.


    6. Do not say cómo hincha las pelotas nor qué denso de mierda if a person is persistent; do not add cagó fuego, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say cagamos (refer to item #2) nor nos rompieron el orto when a matter becomes excessively complicated.


    7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say andate a la concha de tu hermana nor should you ever substitute "May I help you?" with ¿Qué mierda querés?


    8. Under no circunstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners viejos chotos.


    9. Do not say me chupa un huevo when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer sobame el nabo when your assistance is required.


    10.You should never call partners as puto de mierda or vieja tortillera; the sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms suchs as viejo trolo, la mira con cariño or mariquita.


    11. Last but not least, after reading this note, please don´t say me la paso por el orto. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.


    Thank you.

    • Official Post

    From Disorder In Court:


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    _______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    _________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget..

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death..

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral...

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No..

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.