• To My Darling Husband,


    Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.


    Fortunately, it was not too bad, and I really did not get hurt, so please don't worry about me!


    I was coming home and, as I turned into the driveway, I accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone.


    The garage door is slightly bent, but the trusty old Ford truck fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your Ferrari. The good news: I missed our bikes!


    I'm so very sorry. But I know how understanding and kindhearted you are, and know that you will forgive me. You know how much I love and care for you, my sweetheart.


    I can't wait for you to be home from your trip.


    Your loving wife





    oh yes. Your girlfriend called. She's pregnant.

  • From Disorder In Court:


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    _______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    _________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget..

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death..

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral...

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No..

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.