A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. he opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. he picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. three years later, there’s a knock on the door. he opens the door and sees the same snail. the snail says: "What the heck was that all about?"
To My Darling Husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately, it was not too bad, and I really did not get hurt, so please don't worry about me!
I was coming home and, as I turned into the driveway, I accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone.
The garage door is slightly bent, but the trusty old Ford truck fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your Ferrari. The good news: I missed our bikes!
I'm so very sorry. But I know how understanding and kindhearted you are, and know that you will forgive me. You know how much I love and care for you, my sweetheart.
I can't wait for you to be home from your trip.
Your loving wife
oh yes. Your girlfriend called. She's pregnant.
From Disorder In Court:
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
An older couple was sitting having breakfast one day.
The wife, Mable, leaned over and asked her husband, “John, if I were to die, would you remarry?”
John said, “Well, if that’s not the darndest thing, here it’s a beautiful am and you have to bring up something terrible. I’m not going to even discuss it!”
But, she couldn’t forget about it and brought it up again that night.
She said it again and again John refused to answer.
About 3 days later Martha asked John again and John said, “Yes, I would. Now, can we be done?”
Martha asked, “Would you sell the house?”
John kind of stammered and said, “Well, no, I wouldn’t sell the house.”
Martha, still curious asked, “Well, would you sell our bed?”
John, caught off guard said, “I wouldn’t sell it, I see no reason to sell it, no, I wouldn’t sell it”.
Martha said, “Well, I certainly hope you wouldn’t let her touch my golf clubs!”
John stated clearly, “No honey, of course, I wouldn’t let her touch your golf clubs. Absolutely not. She’s left-handed.”